[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
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Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.