Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
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January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears