Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
You Might Also Like
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
We have a winner.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Not today. 😅