My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
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Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Breaking news:
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!