A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
You Might Also Like
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I don’t think my car can fly
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is