[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
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I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
fr
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
My work here is done
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!