Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
You Might Also Like
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
*struts into the new year
~ trips
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.