I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
You Might Also Like
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.