Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
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I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
he was correct
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are