I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
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Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”