JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
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[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.