Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
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Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.