Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
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Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.