Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
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Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*