I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
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Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore