boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
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My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
I camp so other people don’t have to.
thank god the sign was there
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
the simulation is moving too fast
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about