[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
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If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.