I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
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Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
*pronounces patio like ratio
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.