My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
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Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you