(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
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calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Britain be like
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Those are good neighbors.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car