* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
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You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Flowers bee like
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.