*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
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If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.