I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
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date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.