The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
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Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
My loaf of bread looks terrified
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no