I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
You Might Also Like
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!