I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
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The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping