I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
You Might Also Like
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Wednesday
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.