As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
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Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Wait a second…
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?