I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
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Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.