I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
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Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
I wish I could veto my bills.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Plant care tips