Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
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You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.