No, he would not have.
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Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What