I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
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In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
What if the weather talks about us?
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.