aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
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[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.