My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
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[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Never let them know your next move 😂
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT