OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
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Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.