Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
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I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer: