Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
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Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.