I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
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I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
In case you needed to hear it:
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I’m ready for Halloween this year
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES