me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
You Might Also Like
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
At least he brought enough for everyone
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.