A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
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“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
What’s so funny?
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.