I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
You Might Also Like
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!