Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
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7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it