I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
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Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.