Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
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uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
oh shit