You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
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I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
😍😂🥰😂😍
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them