me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
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My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
My blood type is b hungry.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.