Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
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Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Today’s Times
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*