Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
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GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?