My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
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My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those